while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
You took a bar mat shot.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
