Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
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