After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
We left the knife in your bed.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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