so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
