i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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