Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
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