3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
