Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
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