i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
