You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
