Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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