this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Randomize
