I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
