can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
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