I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
