Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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