apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
