The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I still have a little drunk in my system
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Randomize
