i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
