my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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