im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
