She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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