i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
