I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
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