wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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