just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
