eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
