can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Having never done that before, When should one expect the horrible shame to end? Days, months, ever?
A week or so, depending on size. In your case, maybe give it a month.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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