Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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