I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Randomize
