im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
