dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
We got so high we made milksteak
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
