I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
