The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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