Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
