He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
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