don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Randomize
