ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Randomize
