i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
