I wish I only lived at night.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
