I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
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