could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
