Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Randomize
