Kiss
Puke
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
