My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
