My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
