i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
