quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I think we might need a safe word for this...
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
