dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I just cut my nipple shaving
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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