I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
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