I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I miss vodka workout Fridays
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
