Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
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