Your favorite bartender is back from prision
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
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