I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
